blah blah blah

It's normal to be scared of the future right? It's a natural human response to the unknown. So I'm stupid to let my fears hold me back from anything and everything I do.

Want is such a common word in my vocabulary. It makes an appearance in so many thoughts and conversations that I have; it would seem like it's my favorite word. HA.....right.

I don't like the word want. It sounds so whiny. I wish I could use the word need more often. But using the word need requires knowing if you actually need, or just think you do. But then again, what does someone actually need other than the basic human necessities?

Yup....I really love to ramble.

There's no time like the present

Sometimes I really want to run away. I've thought about it so many times, leaving this town and starting over somewhere else. But you can never really start over can you? Your past fallows you everywhere no matter how hard you try to run away from it. There will always be people in your life that will hold you back, even if they don't know they're doing it or don't mean to do it. There will always be excuses that you make for yourself. "I don't have enough money."....My personal favorite.

Part of me really wishes that I moved out of town to go to school instead of staying here.

But another part of me is glad I stayed. If I had left, even moved a few hours away like I wanted to, I wouldn't be with this amazing guy right now. We would still be where we were a couple months ago.

It feels like he is the only good thing in my life at the moment. I don't have a horrible life, I just have a life that I'm not happy with. I hate my job, I don't want to be going to school, I don't want to live at home. I am so discontent it's not even funny.

Come see my cage built in my grave

I have this fear that I might not be capable of real love. It may just be because I've never come close to feeling true love for another person other than the love that I have for my family and friends. Or it might be that I have no idea what love is supposed to feel like. Do you know when you're in love? Can you feel it? What does it feel like? I want to feel that. I want to be so passionate about someone that I want to be with them all the time and go out of my way to make them happy. Why haven't I felt that? I've been with someone who made me their number one priority....but why couldn't I return it?

I have this nasty habit of suppressing my emotions and feelings, even my thoughts. I can't seem to express them properly and most of the time I don't want to express them at all. Most of the time my not so pleasant emotions are quite content with just sitting in their cage in the grave that is my brain.

Most of the time....but not always.

Writing used to be my outlet for my suppression. I used to be able to dig up that grave and unlock that cage and put all that shit into stories and poems and what not. But for some odd reason, it stopped working. I would dig up the grave but would lose the key to that fucking cage. So I would sit and stare all of my emotions in the face, but couldn't reach them. Lately though I've had a huge need to write. To just get my thoughts out of my head and put them down on paper....or in a blog....and I am finally able to sit down and do it.

But I don't know what to say. Where is my fucking key?!

questions

How do you diagnose a pathological liar?

How do you treat a person who suppresses their emotions?

How do you fix shyness?

Why do boys think differently than girls?

Just a thought.

So today in my English 101 class we were talking about calling people with different colored skin by flavors as opposed to, say, Black. A black person would of course be chocolate, and there can be different levels depending on the color of their skin. Dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate. Then theres French vanilla and caramel and anything else people can come up with. This just seems like a funner (and slightly more accurate) way to refer to people of color.

People don't come in black and white.